Shame Vs. Guilt

Shame was one of the meeting topics a couple weeks ago. Y'know, how our personal shame led to our drinking or drugging or overeating or oversexing or over-anything-ing. The meeting chairperson described how his shame about his sexuality, coupled with shame of not being good enough in school or sports to please his parents, led to his escape down the rabbit hole of drugs & alcohol. As others in the group shared similar stories, I searched and searched for shame in my life. And raised nothing but an empty net.

But, the format was a round-table discussion and as we went around the circle each attendee was asked to share. I couldn't really get out of this one but what did I have to say on the topic if I couldn't find things that brought me feelings of shame? I thought, "Oh, I'm ashamed of much I did while I was drunk or high." So I shared that feeling and some of those stories. And when I finished the next person began to speak.

He shared his shame and the next person shared hers. Then the gentleman three seats down from me began his share. But he opened with something that surprised me... he said, "When I look at this question, I have to remember shame is about my self-pereception and guilt is about something I've done... or failed to do."

Hmmmmm.

I'd never thought about shame versus guilt in that way. When I did, I realized what I had shared moments before was about guilt, not shame. And that felt right...the definitions he gave them felt like they "fit."  I thought, "Yeah, this guy just taught me a lesson on life."

 

When I was at home that night, I searched the question more. What I'm realizing is that getting over shame is about changing the way we view ourselves and getting past guilt is about righting the wrongs we've done and trying not to do them again. I like to think I've done my best to learn from my mistakes though. And yeah, I may make some of them again. Might have to relearn some lessons which, hopefully, I'll approach with new tools and a different perspective. But I try to keep trying to learn from all of it. Without much shame, I don't feel the need to look in the mirror and say, "You're a good man. A beautiful person, not a loser" etc. etc. etc. Looking at my guilt however is a different story. So I learn and grow and hopefully will be a better man tomorrow from those lessons.

That's what this whole topic meant to me. It wasn't about shame versus guilt. About who I was or what I've done. It was about lessons. The instruction manual on life I've always felt was never published for me... or for any of us. I realized in that meeting room that there was a manual and it was right there in front of me every day. It's present in our shared experiences. When I'm watching and listening - when I'm present - I learn from all around me.

I've never been a dishwasher before but on my first day of work the manager said, "You really know what you're doing." I didn't learn that from doing it though...I learned that from being aware of what the dishwashers did in other places I've worked. Whether it's watching the barista kindly manage a rude customer or hearing a woman on the bus share a story with her friend about how she overcame the grief of losing her husband, the instructions are there. The lessons may come from those older or younger. Friend or foe. Sometimes even from nature. My instruction manual is written but doesn't have a table of contents. The pages pop up randomly each and every moment of each and every day. They're in the lessons others have already learned and they surround me every day. When I walked in that meeting room that day, I didn't know the difference between shame and guilt. When I walked out that afternoon, I was a wiser man.

I have a feeling this lesson on lessons isn't one I'll have to relearn.

Be well, my friends...

-j