Desperation? Or Surrender?

In my meetings the past day or two, there's been quite a lot of talk about desperation. Maybe it has something to do with the snow & ice we've been experiencing here in Portland. Everything's been beautifully challenging. People have been stuck in their homes looking out on a crystal clear ice-scape. Gorgeous plants locked in tiny globes of frozen beauty, ready to now die. I walked out in this winter wonderland, eyes taking it all in in amazement, and started to drive to my meeting. Then, as my car slid on the slick pavement, I parked, left my car in a random neighborhood and tried to bus it. Buses which were off-schedule or not running at all. I walked. Fifty blocks. To a meeting. So maybe it was due to the ice or snow; this talk of desperation. The weather reminding us of the cold, frozen embrace of the drug.

But as other addicts began talking about hitting a point of desperation in their drug & alcohol use, I couldn't relate. I just didn't get it. They talked about how they needed to reach a place of despair in order to walk out one door and through another into the rooms. I never felt that despair. Still don't see it in hindsight. Not even after losing two homes. Living on the streets of Las Vegas. Being broker than a ninety-two year old toothless hooker. Losing a job a loved. And watching my roommate flee in her own desperation to get away from me. All of which drugs & alcohol played a large part in (yes I finally admit it, darn it!). I still never despaired. However, ten days ago, I did something else. I surrendered.

 

The idea isn't mine. A gentleman in the meetings was talking about how he never felt desperate but instead surrendered. Maybe the idea wasn't even his. Maybe he heard it from someone else. Y'know, they say you hear what you need to hear if you're listening... and, boy, am I glad I was listening at that moment. Because it's often easy to focus on the differences between ourselves and others but it's sometimes much more beneficial to focus on the similarities. And that similarity with that one man was what I needed to hear to connect to that meeting's topic, "Willingness." Over and over I kept feeling different because I didn't need to feel desperate to feel willing to change. But I did need to surrender to that willingness.

For years, I surrendered to the drug. To other drugs & booze that were gateways or disinhibitors. I surrendered to the idea that this is the way my life was. That I was using recreationally. Surrendered to the thought that I couldn't change. Or couldn't succeed if I tried. For two decades I surrendered to feeling powerless to do anything about it. Then, ten days ago, I realized I was only surrendering to my addiction.

But no more. I no longer surrender to the drugs & alcohol. No longer surrender to my addiction. Desperation wasn't my path. Instead...

 

...today, I surrender to the program.

I surrender to my Sponsor's guidance.




I surrender to my Higher Power.




I surrender to the life I deserve.




I surrender to my destiny.

 
For once, I will finally surrender to giving you, my friends, the friendship and love you all deserve. To giving you the friend you always knew I could be. Thank you for staying by my side. For you, I'm grateful.

-j