Shame Vs. Guilt

Shame was one of the meeting topics a couple weeks ago. Y'know, how our personal shame led to our drinking or drugging or overeating or oversexing or over-anything-ing. The meeting chairperson described how his shame about his sexuality, coupled with shame of not being good enough in school or sports to please his parents, led to his escape down the rabbit hole of drugs & alcohol. As others in the group shared similar stories, I searched and searched for shame in my life. And raised nothing but an empty net.

But, the format was a round-table discussion and as we went around the circle each attendee was asked to share. I couldn't really get out of this one but what did I have to say on the topic if I couldn't find things that brought me feelings of shame? I thought, "Oh, I'm ashamed of much I did while I was drunk or high." So I shared that feeling and some of those stories. And when I finished the next person began to speak.

He shared his shame and the next person shared hers. Then the gentleman three seats down from me began his share. But he opened with something that surprised me... he said, "When I look at this question, I have to remember shame is about my self-pereception and guilt is about something I've done... or failed to do."

Hmmmmm.

I'd never thought about shame versus guilt in that way. When I did, I realized what I had shared moments before was about guilt, not shame. And that felt right...the definitions he gave them felt like they "fit."  I thought, "Yeah, this guy just taught me a lesson on life."

 

When I was at home that night, I searched the question more. What I'm realizing is that getting over shame is about changing the way we view ourselves and getting past guilt is about righting the wrongs we've done and trying not to do them again. I like to think I've done my best to learn from my mistakes though. And yeah, I may make some of them again. Might have to relearn some lessons which, hopefully, I'll approach with new tools and a different perspective. But I try to keep trying to learn from all of it. Without much shame, I don't feel the need to look in the mirror and say, "You're a good man. A beautiful person, not a loser" etc. etc. etc. Looking at my guilt however is a different story. So I learn and grow and hopefully will be a better man tomorrow from those lessons.

That's what this whole topic meant to me. It wasn't about shame versus guilt. About who I was or what I've done. It was about lessons. The instruction manual on life I've always felt was never published for me... or for any of us. I realized in that meeting room that there was a manual and it was right there in front of me every day. It's present in our shared experiences. When I'm watching and listening - when I'm present - I learn from all around me.

I've never been a dishwasher before but on my first day of work the manager said, "You really know what you're doing." I didn't learn that from doing it though...I learned that from being aware of what the dishwashers did in other places I've worked. Whether it's watching the barista kindly manage a rude customer or hearing a woman on the bus share a story with her friend about how she overcame the grief of losing her husband, the instructions are there. The lessons may come from those older or younger. Friend or foe. Sometimes even from nature. My instruction manual is written but doesn't have a table of contents. The pages pop up randomly each and every moment of each and every day. They're in the lessons others have already learned and they surround me every day. When I walked in that meeting room that day, I didn't know the difference between shame and guilt. When I walked out that afternoon, I was a wiser man.

I have a feeling this lesson on lessons isn't one I'll have to relearn.

Be well, my friends...

-j

Desperation? Or Surrender?

In my meetings the past day or two, there's been quite a lot of talk about desperation. Maybe it has something to do with the snow & ice we've been experiencing here in Portland. Everything's been beautifully challenging. People have been stuck in their homes looking out on a crystal clear ice-scape. Gorgeous plants locked in tiny globes of frozen beauty, ready to now die. I walked out in this winter wonderland, eyes taking it all in in amazement, and started to drive to my meeting. Then, as my car slid on the slick pavement, I parked, left my car in a random neighborhood and tried to bus it. Buses which were off-schedule or not running at all. I walked. Fifty blocks. To a meeting. So maybe it was due to the ice or snow; this talk of desperation. The weather reminding us of the cold, frozen embrace of the drug.

But as other addicts began talking about hitting a point of desperation in their drug & alcohol use, I couldn't relate. I just didn't get it. They talked about how they needed to reach a place of despair in order to walk out one door and through another into the rooms. I never felt that despair. Still don't see it in hindsight. Not even after losing two homes. Living on the streets of Las Vegas. Being broker than a ninety-two year old toothless hooker. Losing a job a loved. And watching my roommate flee in her own desperation to get away from me. All of which drugs & alcohol played a large part in (yes I finally admit it, darn it!). I still never despaired. However, ten days ago, I did something else. I surrendered.

 

The idea isn't mine. A gentleman in the meetings was talking about how he never felt desperate but instead surrendered. Maybe the idea wasn't even his. Maybe he heard it from someone else. Y'know, they say you hear what you need to hear if you're listening... and, boy, am I glad I was listening at that moment. Because it's often easy to focus on the differences between ourselves and others but it's sometimes much more beneficial to focus on the similarities. And that similarity with that one man was what I needed to hear to connect to that meeting's topic, "Willingness." Over and over I kept feeling different because I didn't need to feel desperate to feel willing to change. But I did need to surrender to that willingness.

For years, I surrendered to the drug. To other drugs & booze that were gateways or disinhibitors. I surrendered to the idea that this is the way my life was. That I was using recreationally. Surrendered to the thought that I couldn't change. Or couldn't succeed if I tried. For two decades I surrendered to feeling powerless to do anything about it. Then, ten days ago, I realized I was only surrendering to my addiction.

But no more. I no longer surrender to the drugs & alcohol. No longer surrender to my addiction. Desperation wasn't my path. Instead...

 

...today, I surrender to the program.

I surrender to my Sponsor's guidance.




I surrender to my Higher Power.




I surrender to the life I deserve.




I surrender to my destiny.

 
For once, I will finally surrender to giving you, my friends, the friendship and love you all deserve. To giving you the friend you always knew I could be. Thank you for staying by my side. For you, I'm grateful.

-j