The Archives - Release

Peering into the past... through my first webcam!

I know many of these archive entries aren't much for anyone to read. But have you ever gone back through an old journal you once kept? Looked back at your younger self (the photos are always fun!). How you viewed the world back then. The lessons you obviously hadn't yet learned. The reactions you had to different situations.


How you've grown.

And how some things are pretty much the same?

Yeah, that's kind of what this entry was like for me. I have a hell of a lot of great days. Almost always optimistic. But once in awhile... I'm reminded I'm human... maybe when I'm at home alone... after a tear-jerker of a movie... or when that certain song comes on the radio...

10/18/99: release

With these new HIV treatments available, many people with the virus are staying healthier and living longer. Due to this, the death rate has taken a nose dive. Still, every once in a while we get a reality check. I had mine today. Someone I know was admitted into the hospital for HIV-related problems. It's been a long time since I've had to deal with it. I've forgotten how much it affects me.

Anyone who has had a sick friend, family member, or co-worker really sick or in the hospital understands the anxiety that accompanies the event. We buy cards, send flowers, and maybe even sneak a Big-Mac in for them. Every time we stop by to visit we force a bright smile onto our faces. We may try to help them laugh. We may even cry with them. If we're spiritual, we might pray for their recovery.

J.D. (Jim's Dog): 8/99 - 4/11 - RIP buddy of mine.

We worry about...
...the things we meant to say but never got around to.
...not being able to do the things we had planned with them.
...losing someone close to us; someone we love.
...being left alone.


Beyond the concern, we may also be faced with memories of other losses we have known. Other visits to the hospital. Memories of pain long buried that are now dredged up at a time we feel least capable of handling them. We do our best to focus on the situation at hand yet when we are in bed late at night, these memories visit us...no matter how tightly we shut our eyes.

During times like these I also begin to look at my own personal health. Especially when I know that my friend in the hospital is dealing with HIV-related problems. I begin to lose a bit of the courage I've worked so hard to build. I begin to question the efficacy of the medications I take. I wonder if I've made the right choices in my own healthcare or if I'm doing enough to take care of myself. I once again start to ask myself, "When is it going to happen to me?" A question that will forever follow me.

Strange how looking back can remind you to look ahead.

What I do next is remember what a wonderful friend of mine, Jill, told me as her son was dying.

"You're going to be one of the lucky ones. You will be around for the cure."

Then I hold on to those words...and maybe cry.





Release the worry.
Release the fear.
Release the pain.

j-