A.P. Lessons in Life

The form asked: Reason For Visit

I wrote: Psychotic Break

About halfway through my initial intake, the psychiatriast looked up from his notepad and said, "Yep, that's exactly what a psychotic break is."

Yay for me for getting it right?!?!

That was six weeks ago. Things haven't improved much since then. But today - Christmas Day - I received a small miracle. Unlike most other days lately, I only distrust half of you instead of all of you. That's the miracle... and my A.P. lesson for this semester.

In this context, A.P. could mean "Advanced Placement" for my experience is arguably one of lifes more advanced lessons...for myself & those around me. Today, A.P. stands for anti-psychotic - the class of drugs prescribed in an effort to help me find a "new normal."

Y'know what? I miss my old normal, crazy as it was. (Pun most definitely intended!)

With everything I've been through plus the things I've done to myself added to a genetic predisposition for mental illness, it's a wonder I've made it this long without cracking. Finally did though. And now the question asked by a beautiful soul in my life...

And What's Next?

I don't know. I tried anti-psychotics. When they weren't working I tried numbing it with booze (again). And when that wouldn't quiet the voices (and, yes, there were voices), I escaped in drugs again for a brief moment. That definitely doesn't quiet the voices but it sure does make them more entertaining, heh!

In the end, I have no idea what's next. They've upped the dosage on my meds and that was enough to get me out of the house to buy some groceries. Still wasn't enough to get me up & cleaning the kitchen though. Maybe next week.

But it was enough to allow me to write (and hopefully publish) this blog entry. Writing is a salve for my mind. Sharing is the way I work through resolving my challenges. If I have the strength to write and the courage to share, I can tackle almost anything. Please let this be one of those things.

After that healing begins, it's on to the job & housing front. Both of which are gone. That's what happens when you start seeing things (yes, there were hallucinations too) and call the police who then send you to the psych ward and you miss a shift at work. But, man, those officers were so understanding and compassionate. Portland PD, hats off to you guys.

Geez, I really loved that job.

And my roommate took off in the middle of the night then texted a week later to say I can stay til the end of the lease. She has found other accommodations til then. That's what friends are for, right? And I know it's got to be scary in some ways but I was up-front & non-threatening. I couldn't hurt a fly.

Sigh.

So that's my Christmas gift to you. To let you know I'm alive if not fully well. Just burning through another of many life lessons I'm smart enough - and strong enough - to Ace.

If I write more about this journey, I want to include a selfie in each post to gauge my progress - or lack of. Here's todays...

I'll do my best to smile in the next one.

Be well, my friends...

j-