When I was young... so much younger than today...

It's been awhile since I've posted. October was a crazy month. There was a ton of work to do. There was travel to Portland and Chicago. And I had a couple weird medical issues which put my training & fundraising on hold. And I spent some time developing some creative ways to continue fundraising too, heh! Looking forward to rolling those out!

But, October is over and I'll be back in the saddle as soon as the doctor gives me the green-light to start training again. And November is a big month for me. My 42nd birthday is on the 13th. And the 27th is the anniversary of the date I was told I had HIV... I'll be heading into my 22nd year with the virus this month. Miracles do happen.

In recognition of both of those dates, I'd like to share an article written way back in May 1992. This story is important to me because when I found out I was positive, I was only 21 years old. When I approached Cascade AIDS Project about joining a support group for younger folks, they said there wasn't one. So, what did I do? Read on...

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Dan (the author) and Fred doing what
they do best - Goofing off!

Positive Connection/May 1992
Young Adults and HIV
by Dan Bueling

 

Jim Akers is a young man who is handsome in looks, charming in personality, strong in presence and focused in purpose. I met Jim in November 1991 at one of our drop-in groups. We had a conversation that left me saying, "Wow, this guy's really got it together." You see, Jim is 21 years old and just two weeks prior to our meeting he found out he was HIV-positive. His attitude and up-beat outlook didn't fit the mental image I had of someone dealing with that kind of news, especially so soon. Denial? Perhaps a little, but I'm more inclined to believe that his actions were responsible for his demeanor. Since then I've seen a lot of Jim. He's become highly active in CAP's volunteer program, choosing to channel his feelings and energy around HIV into positive action. I spoke with him recently regarding his thoughts about what it's like to be a young adult with HIV.

I tested positive in November just two weeks after my 21st birthday. It was my fourth time testing and because I'd been with my lover for 8 or 9 months, I wasn't really concerned. I didn't experience a long grieving period. I realized that the only thing that changed for me was the knowledge that I was positive - physically I was the same. That first week is kind of vague though. I thought a lot about death. I went to work, came home, went to bed and then did it all over again the next day. I was in shock.

Because of my age, the first issue that came up was that I didn't know anyone else who had been through what I was going through. I just wanted someone to talk to who could understand it on all the levels I was feeling it. A week later I met Stewart Baxter at Multnomah County's HIV Wellness Program, a six-session one-to-one program designed to give newly tested individuals support and information to deal with the situation. Although he wasn't my age, talking about it with Stewart kept me from going into denial. What he did so well was listen and help me face it.

Stewart also helped me deal with the issue of telling my family. At twenty-one years old, I was just coming to terms with my sexuality and was contemplating telling them that I was gay. After testing positive I felt like I was hiding too much from my family. HIV pushed that timeline up and when I told my mom I was positive, the first thing she asked was, "Are you gay?" Although older individuals may also have this experience, it's almost always the case with young adults who are gay and discover they are also HIV-positive.

Later that week I went to a Getting Started interview at CAP. My initial goal was to meet other HIV-positive people my own age. The first thing I asked was, "Is there a support group of my peers?" I was told there wasn't. Although I can relate with older people about HIV, I don't always feel like they remember what it's like to deal with the issues of someone my age. Long ago, they resolved those issues for themselves and didn't have to do it while dealing with HIV.

Young people live with a lot of instability. They're growing up, finding out who they are, setting goals for school and/or career, facing a lot of decisions. They're becoming independent from their families and breaking ties. Support from those relationships or new ones they're forming isn't always certain. Many don't go to work from 9 to 5 and don't have things like medical insurance. It's an unstable period, everything's up for grabs. Then add HIV and it can cast a different light on the whole picture and complicate it even more.

Because most people my age aren't in serious relationships, dating is a big issue and with HIV it encompasses more than what it might regularly entail. I want to date someone my own age, but a lot of young people don't want to deal with HIV. They may be more paranoid and scared of it because a lot of them haven't dealt with HIV-positive people - I hadn't. The hands-on experience that older people may have had in terms of knowing acquaintances, friends or lovers who are living with HIV/AIDS or who've died of AIDS affords them the knowledge needed to get over the fear.

Young people also haven't been on the scene long enough to get the full prevention message and correct information about transmission and HIV. They still may lack the education and life experiences that helps us develop the skills needed to talk about and deal with it. Talking is important. That's why I think a support group where people my age could open up and feel comfortable discussing anything would accomplish so much.

At first I felt like I was the youngest person dealing with HIV. I had no others to relate to and felt very isolated. Having a group to go to would have helped me maintain a positive attitude and not feel so alone. It would be a place where we could get insights from one another about issues others have dealt with. I also feel that members of the group would talk to their friends about it, so that indirectly others outside the group may be educated.

I don't want the group to be a place to come to and just bring your problems. Hopefully the people attending would become close enough to do social things too. I want the group to be fun. There are a lot of events at CAP for HIV-positive individuals and what I've noticed when I've gone alone is that I'm the only young person there - everyone else is in their thirties. I'd like the group to integrate, not segregate. It would support us in getting more involved as an age group in events that are already going on in the community. HIV is already part of the lives of young adults - I'd just like to see it become a more visible part.

Some ideas are too good to pass up. We are pleased to announce that a new support group is forming for HIV-Positive Young Adults, 18-25 years old. Co-sponsored by Outside In, the new group will meet for 8 weeks on Thursday evenings from 6-8:00 pm, beginning May 7. To sign-up, call CAP at 223-5907 and ask for someone in Support Services. The HIV Monthly Forum in May is also geared towards young adults. Way to go Jim!

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Yes, I started and facilitated the first support group for HIV-positive young adults in Portland. My co-facilitator John was a licensed therapist which gave us an amazing balance between having someone directly affected by HIV and someone with a clinical background to support and guide us emotionally and psychologically.Our 8 week group wasn't enough. The demand became so great within those two months that I continued to facilitate the group for over two years. When I left Portland and moved to San Diego, John maintained his facilitator role while CAP and Outside In continued the Young Adults support group for more than a decade. During my two-and-a-half years as a facilitator, the group saw more than 200 HIV-positive young people walk through our doors. I have no idea how many attended during the entire life of the group - but I hope it was there to help hundreds, or thousands, during the 90's and well into the new millennium. I know that even as facilitator I found strength, inspiration, support and long-lasting friendships when I needed them most.

This article is a reminder for me of why I ride... why my commitment to this cause is so strong. I sometimes forget that I lived this... this WAS my life. And continues to be more than 21 years later. I've lived more than half my life with HIV and I will never give up or stop giving back.

This is another example of why I will bike 545 miles next June. As a show of gratitude to all of those friends who helped me through the earliest times. I love you all - those that are still friends... those that are still around... and especially to those who are no longer with us.